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31 year old mother of two, bi-polar II, generalized anxiety disorder, borderline personality disorder, self-mutilation, kleptomania...undiagnosed: mild schizophrenia, adult add, mild OCD, chronic insomnia, with medication induced hyperinsomnia, if I take my meds...Had issues with not taking the medicene right...an extra prozac if I felt a little tired that day, and finally quit that when I realized that it makes me psychotic...I hate taking mood stabilizers from the anti-convulsant family of drugs, and I have had a 'fake seizure' that included tounge biting, confusion, and unconsiousness, the emergency personell were impressed with it and it came about following a stressfull phonecall that was dealing with money and how I had almost fucked that loan up for our house because of my behavior. I had normal CT scans, E.E.G.'s negative for epilepsy

Molested repeatedly since the age of four, raped at seventeen, but fortunatly I have married a wonderful man who does his best to tolerate and understand why I an who I am, and unlike most BPD relationships, we have been married 12 years.

My mother was also metally ill, along with my grandmother, sister and several maternal aunts.She was bulemic for twenty-plus years after a stomach bypass surgery and my father was an alcoholic who died three years to the month following my Mother's passing. I was pregnant during both deaths.

I'm keeping this journal because I have unearthed the graphic, the guilt, and the hurt...I've tried drinking it away, cutting it away..even started stealing things for the thrill and the justification that someone owes me for my pain. I hope that by having this journal and sending links to psych doctors in my area, perhaps I will be able to find proper healthcare that I deserve, regardless of whether I'm a welfare mother who'll charge you five bucks for directions

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